Don't Help Them Become Who You Were

Daily Dad, July 25

There is a Youngian idea that one’s impulse reaction towards another is a reflection of the internal measure one has on oneself. For example, if you get mad at someone for driving slowly, it is a reflection of your own fear of losing momentum or fear of being late. If you get mad at someone for not listening to you, it is a reflection of your own internal feeling of worthlessness.

In Ryan Holiday’s example in today’s meditation, he talks about an NBA star, Tim Hardaway, who was raising his son, Tim Hardaway Jr., strictly to become an NBA player. Tim Senior uses shame and discouragement of anything that isn’t basketball to force his son into his previous path, to “understand the game like I understood the game.“

But inherently there is the same Youngian concept in Tim Hardaway’s teaching. He in his own life felt a certain discomfort at his lack of focus, although not admitted. In all likelihood, Tim Senior’s childhood was nothing like Tim Juniors, from mentors to resources to having an NBA father shaping you. It is likely that he felt somewhat inadequate and ashamed of his own level of dedication and took that out on his son. He traded the relationship with his son to have his son wear a similar Jersey to the one he wore.

With an infant though this shaping of behavior seems impossible to avoid. “They’re like a sponge,“ everyone tells us. We’re supposed to put him in clothes, and which clothes do we pick but the ones that we think look good? When we show him brightly colored things, and ask him what his favorite color is, what is he going to choose, but the bright red tomato dangling in front of his face?