Just Be a Fan

Daily Dad, August 2nd

Annie Wilkes in Steven King’s Misery is Paul Sheldon’s, her captured writer’s, “Number one fan.“ When he comes out of the darkness at the beginning of the book, he eerily hears her moaning the phrase over and over.

Tiger Wood’s father coached him like the drill sergeant in Full Metal Jacket, but instead of calling him a maggot, he used racial slurs. His father no doubt considered himself to be the greatest fan of his son, so much so that he became a tyrannical coach.

I have friends who work at high-ranking schools, and these teachers tell horror stories of parents coming in and demanding that they treat their son/ daughter differently, threatening them if they give “another bad grade.“

These over-enthusiastic fans are more than just a fan, as the title of today’s meditation prompts us to be. They go beyond, in each case, the support someone requires from their parent. Maybe Paul Sheldon writes the best novel of his career because of the torment. Maybe Tiger Woods goes on to become the best golfer of his time. Maybe my teacher friends find a way to make sure that those kids whose parents came in and yelled at them perform better on tests.

But does this result in a better child? Does this result in the kind of person you want your loved one to be? Perhaps instead of knowing that they can perform on their own, that they have it inside themselves to be great, they attribute their success and all their ability to their parent. The crazed parent fan trades their parental self and relationship to become a vampire, sucking the child’s worth from their soul and taking it onto themselves.

Ryan Holiday sums up what he says as the goal for the parent-fan:

They need someone who supports them, who loves them, who is rooting for them. They need a fan with a healthy relationship to the game- not a stalker or a tyrant. / Just be a fan. It’s not that complicated.

Yesterday, I wrote about the doubt that can be nullified by having a parent who is a supporter and a fan. The implication of that blog post and today’s meditation is that the lack of support leads to deep dissatisfaction in one’s self.

It is a sad thing when someone achieves their goal or makes progress towards it, and the people whose opinions they care about the most are negative, or even worse, nonchalant. What do I have to do to get you to care? Why can’t you see that I know what I’m meant to be doing?

It is the bad embarrassing rapper that becomes a good rapper. It’s the person who cannot write well who becomes a writer. It is the person who cannot draw who becomes an illustrator. It’s the person who cannot remember their lines who becomes the actor. It’s the person who has never turned on the stove who becomes a great chef. It is the person who is always alone who builds a great family. It’s the Godless person who becomes the strongest believer.

We all start with no skill. We all come from a place of a mysterious haze of beginning. But when we find a positive path that we are called to take, doesn’t the parent want the person to take it? Some never hear the call, and choose to specialize in dark and self-destructive behaviors. The nonchalant parent expects that they’ll be able to suddenly switch into the role of supporter, to steer the child’s direction towards the good. But being a fan is deeper than a switch you can just turn on.

It requires a constant part of your being, to become part of your identity, in the same way that the truest sports fans will always wear the same color jersey.